Someone once told me that marriage is like flies on a window pane. The flies on the inside are trying to get out and those on the outside are trying to get in.
I can identify with that picture. For months leading up to my wedding, I could hardly wait to be married. I was in graduate school, and I dreamed about how wonderful marriage was going to be. I had visions of coming home in the evening and studying in our apartment. I could picture her sitting on the couch; when I'd finish studying, I'd look up and our eyes would meet. Won't that be wonderful? I thought. A wife right there in the apartment!
After we got married I discovered my wife didn't want to sit on the couch and watch me study. While I worked she'd go downstairs and socialize with people in the apartment complex. And I'd think, This is just like it was before we got married. The only difference is my dorm room was a lot cheaper than this place.
Before we got married I had this vision that at 10:30 every night we'd go to bed together. Going to bed every night with a woman. Wow!
After we got married, however, I discovered it had never crossed her mind to go to bed at 10:30. At that time of night she was just getting back from visiting the neighbors and wanted to read a book until midnight.
I thought, Why didn't you read while I was reading? Then we could go to bed together!
Before we got married I had the idea that everybody gets up when the sun gets up.
After we got married I found out my wife doesn't do mornings.
It didn't take me long not to like my wife, and it didn't take her long not to like me. And we succeeded in being utterly miserable.
Everyone told me that if you're a Christian and in love, then in marriage you'll be happy. Well, I was a Christian and I was in love--at least before I got married I was in love. But I was a long way from happiness. My Christian view of marriage wouldn't allow me to entertain the thought of divorce, though I fully understood why others would pursue that option.
Being a problem-solver by nature, I set out to convince my wife that we could have a good marriage if she'd just listen to me. But she wasn't open to my ideas. Although we often argued over issues, most of the time we lived in silent suffering. I know what it is to be married and have the recurring thought, I married the wrong person. How could I have made such a huge mistake? Surely if she were God's choice for me, things wouldn't be this miserable. The thought never crossed my mind that God might want to use my pain to turn my heart toward him.
I remember the day that in desperation I cried out to God: "I've done everything I know to do, and my marriage isn't getting any better. Instead, it's getting worse. I don't know what else to do." I've never heard anything clearer than what came to mind: Why don't you read the life of Jesus?
I responded, "Read the life of Jesus? I'm in seminary. I've read the life of Jesus over and over."
I heard it again: Why don't you read the life of Jesus?
So I worked my way through Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. I don't know how I missed it all those years.
I discovered the greatest leader the world has ever known.
I didn't find Jesus barking orders and telling his followers what they needed to do to make him happy. Rather, I found him on his knees, washing his followers' feet. When he finished, he stood and said, "I am your leader. And in my kingdom, this is the way you lead. In the Gentile world, the leader lords it over the others. But in my kingdom, the leader will serve the others. The greatest leader will be the greatest servant" (see John 13:1-17).
I'd gone about my marriage in exactly the opposite manner. I had expected my wife to serve me. I'd told her what she needed to do to be a good wife and expected her to comply.
After my discovery I cried out to God, "Give me Christ's attitude toward my wife. Teach me how to serve her in the same manner that Christ served his followers." In retrospect, it was the most significant prayer I've ever prayed. That prayer was the turning point in our marriage.
Then I began to ask three simple questions, which caused our marriage to improve:
What can I do to help you?
How can I make your life easier?
How can I be a better husband?
When I was willing to ask those questions, my wife was willing to give me answers. She had no interest in my washing her feet, but she had a lot of other good ideas.
When I let my wife teach me how I could serve her, not overnight but over time, she began to reciprocate. When she did, I found myself with positive feelings toward her again. I distinctly remember the night I looked at her and thought,
I wouldn't mind touching her again if I thought she'd let me. I wasn't about to ask, but I had the thought, I wouldn't mind if she wouldn't mind.
I have an incredible wife. We've been walking the road of sacrificial service for a long time--I've reached out to serve her and she's reached out to serve me.
I said to her the other day, "If every woman in the world were like you, there would never be divorce." Why would a man leave a woman who's doing everything she can to encourage him and help him accomplish what he believes God has called him to do?
For more than 40 years, my goal has been to serve my wife so well that when I'm gone, she won't find another man who'll treat her the way I've treated her. The woman is going to miss me!
Some time ago I did a little research and discovered that not a single wife in U.S. history has murdered her husband while he was washing the dishes!
God's desire for all of us is spiritual maturity, which means living like Christ. Nothing measures a Christian husband's true spirituality better than the way he treats his wife. When a wife sees the transformation of a man's heart, she is drawn to be intimate with that man. Being Christ-like means serving your spouse's needs, not demanding she meet yours. Christ alone is the model, and his method was service, even to the point of death. May God give all of us the attitude of Christ toward our spouses.
Adapted from The Transformation of a Man's Heart, edited by Stephen W. Smith.
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